Today was the day I had been dreading all week. I didn't think I could emotionally get through the week, after today.
I found that with the worries I had been so worked up over, I ended up feeling relief instead.
It wasn't entirely relief. I felt guilt.
I started hating myself for getting myself so worked up over something that ended up being okay. I had been sobbing over this. I had been considering unhealthy coping strategies over this. I reached out for help over this, and now- I'm fine. Everything is fine.
So yes that's good thing, but it also isn't. Why do I do this to myself?
I sat in class with a sick feeling in my stomach and I did not feel safe with myself. I turned to my friend, "I'm going to lose it, and I'm really hating myself right now, can you please give me some kind of positive talk and tell me I'm okay." She paused for awhile. "I don't know what to say." "Just tell me I have nothing to worry about, and nobody thinks bad of me, and I am okay, and it is okay I reacted how I did because I didn't know-" "Haley..there you go..you can say it." "NO." I wanted her to say it. It sounded stupid but in those moments when I am losing myself I feel a desperate need to have someone look me in the eyes and reassure me I did what I had to because it needed to happen for me in the moment. I need someone to tell me it is okay, and nobody thinks of me differently, and I don't have to hate myself because people are understanding."
Now, do I need to hear that in order to be okay?
I can get by without reassurance, but I do seek it when I'm struggling with doubt.
I can be my own best friend, or my own worst enemy. Sometimes, or most of the time..it is only me who brings myself down. I create false ideas of others' perceptions of me- and that's not okay. Not only is it not realistic..why does that matter to me? Why do I need reassurance from others as a confirmation to feel safe in my own skin? In my own mind?
I so badly want to feel comfortable in my own mind, and skin. I want to be able to trust myself, and turn to others less for help or reassurance.
I always seek advice or reassurance and if the answer isn't what I had hoped for, I second guess everything. I'm not lost in this world. I know who I am, and what I want at times. My problem is that I feel safer with approval before I do things my way.
I only let myself down when I do what others think I should do. When I am inspired, those are my inspirations. I should tackle them. I shouldn't expect them to always inspire someone else too and have me receive the same response from them.
It's complicated. I don't view myself as a leader or a follower. I believe I lead more than follow, but I lead and then take 3 large steps back in doing so.
This must be a confidence issue.
I find that worrying about what someone may think of me, hurts me much more than knowing what someone thinks of me. It is the unknown that kills me, but I can brush off most snubs.
I want to be able to tell myself I am okay or it is okay, and believe it.
I want to be able to seek others' opinions at times, but also remember that everyone is different, and if I turn to my original thought- maybe I should go for it.
I frustrate myself with my own contradictions.
Anxiety causes you to create nonexistent worries, yes.
But this self doubt makes me feel like I have no power.
So how.. ?
Besides "faking it till you make it", and continuously trying..
how can I work on being strong-minded, confident, and not being so hard on myself?
I find myself with a pain in my chest having a meltdown or crisis because of my fears. How can I learn to trust myself?
I am working day by day to accept my struggles instead of hating myself for them. I need to forgive myself, I need to trust myself.
In those moments where everything is closing in on me..
how do I do that?
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.