I have been beyond frustrated for some time now ...
But oh so darn happy ..
Good things are happening in my life.
My mom and John are deciding a wedding date, I have been contributing to other websites, I have been in control of my depression and anxiety, and I have changed my diet after discovering my problems with gluten.
Everything is looking up for me.
Yet, I am so disappointed that blogging hasn't been the same to me.
Back in October I was blogging every single day. I never ran out of things to talk about, and at times I would have to hide my laptop (from myself) for days so I would limit my use.
I was trying to put together why it is no longer the same for me. 2 reasons came to mind.
When I started blogging, I was very sick. I was depressed, and my anxiety made it impossible for me to pay attention in school. Even though I had family and friends willing to help, I still felt alone. I was alone. I was misunderstood, and for that I only had 1 person. Myself. Writing was all I had.
Now, I am stronger than before. I'm no longer hiding in my bedroom with the shades drawn. I am happy again, I am bringing myself out into the world. For that reason, I don't need to write the same way as I had before, because I have so much more than myself now. And if I got lost again, and felt misunderstood again, I know now what to do and where to go to gain help and reassurance.
My second reason:
When I began blogging, I used it as a way to release my built up emotions. I would reflect upon my days, but mainly the bad parts. It was private for a reason, I was completely vulnerable and I poured every depressing emotion into the page. It was a great place to start, but I knew that my recovery was not going to be as successful if my outlet was only being used to support my negative-thinking.
It makes sense to me now. I am happier, and healthier, and my blog is still an outlet for me; I am just using it in a different way.
I am bothered by the fact that my excuse for blogging every day was because I was letting out negative emotions.
That doesn't mean I should now be struggling to write because I have too many positive emotions !?! That's crazy.
So this is what I'm going to do:
- I had blogged a gratitude journal many times before; I can sure keep up that again. It will be for me more than anyone else. But isn't that why I started writing anyway?
- The same way I used to reflect upon my day and focus on the bad, I am going to do the same and focus on the good.
My mind is a busy place, so there is no excuse for missing blog posts.
I need to stop giving the negative all of my attention unless I am reflecting on what I've learned from it.
From now on, I am celebrating the positive.
This site is a part of my story; I shouldn't leave out the good stuff.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.