A perspective post
I haven't blogged like this in a while. I have been guilty of overthinking things to write about ever since my blog went public. I am not just free-writing for me, or giving little thought to the outcome.
I always know when it's time to sit down and just write it all out. The thoughts in my mind go much slower, smoothly, and it is as if I am telling a story to another person inside my head. I then know it is a good time to empty my mind.
My day was spent binge-watching a Netflix series with 2 friends. We ordered thai food and were wrapped in blankets. It was a good day. But, at one point I started to get scared it wasn't going to stay that way.
It's fun to binge-watch a good series full of drama and suspense, but me being me, I believe it drains me after a while. My friends noticed I was shutting down, and as much as I didn't want to be, I wasn't sure why either. "I'm okay, just tired."
I wear my heart on my sleeve, emotions all over my face. I am loud, silly, sarcastic, a story-teller, so when I shut down it is quite obvious that something is wrong. There is just no hiding it.
I felt overheated, a buzzing in my lips, a sick feeling in my stomach, and the feeling just reminded me of one thing: anxiety attack.
For no reason. I wasn't worried about a thing, I was with 2 people I felt comfortable with. Why does my body do this? Anxiety attacks out of nowhere? Is it because I am adjusting to a change? I shouldn't be this scared by this feeling..I probably just need to learn how to accept it more. Am I going to start feeling dizzy next? Yeah, that usually comes next.
I was jumping to conclusions. With good reason, I suppose.
I knew how it began, so I knew what would come next.
"What if I start crying, and they ask why? I don't know how to explain that I am having an anxiety attack for no good reason at all. But I'm not really having one. How do I explain I think one is "coming?" Oh great, now I am fighting back tears. Just watch the show, Haley."
The feeling passed, just as it always does. I was left feeling drained. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to curl up in my bed, ask my friends to leave, cry a little, get some emotion out in writing, and recharge. But- I also didn't want to be alone.
With these two friends, it is perfect. We can be goofy, a support for one another, go out and do things together, but also be alone together. We can be in the same room, with little energy at all, barely talking, without it being 'awkward.' I liked that, and I needed that. So, I let them stay. I needed the company.
I think it is great how I am so invested in finding ways to help myself. At the same time, I find it difficult to separate a necessary "time" to think about these things. While watching a show with my friends, I was trying to analyze in my head what could possibly be causing this anxiety, or this empty, drained feeling inside. That is a lot of energy I use up on thoughts.
I love the friends I have. Even if I shut down for a little while, they don't push me to be any different, and they look forward to seeing my energy again as much as I do.
Those things mean a lot.
I am able to be happy, and I've come so far, but I do have moments when I just fall out of it. Smiling depression? Walking depression? Fighting depression? Whatever you call it.
It's hard hearing, "please Haley let's go somewhere." and "C'mon Haley you've been in your room all day." when I know I truly need the mental break. At the same time, I know that is encouragement over any guilt-trip.
Do you ever get so caught up in your own thoughts and emotions, (and for lack of better words)- pity. Once you are given some perspective, another outlook, you start to feel better though guilty for being so blindsided?
That happened to me today. I was so caught up in my head while worrying about an anxiety attack returning, and feeling sad and empty for no reason at all. To me, that was the worst thing I could think of in the moment and the only thing in my mind. It just happened to be during the show I was watching where I grasped the perspective I had needed in that moment.
The idea was: Parents who didn't want their kids, and no one else there to take them in.
My heart just sank. I have to draw a diagram in order to explain my huge family to people. If that were ever me... I would have a line of people willing to take me in..
It wasn't a "other people have it worse" outlook; but a "remember the good you do have" outlook.
I have a line of people behind me, and so much support, even when my self esteem has me questioning it.
It's difficult to get out of my own head.
I feel lost with the things I am struggling with, and what I don't have. When I push those aside, and truly acknowledge what I do have, it is almost powerful how much perspective can affect your mood.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.