I've been having a really difficult time lately. And it makes me sad because my blog is stuck in this "break" and though I need it, I'm also finding something that moves me to be too difficult to do right now because I have my own 'stuff' to work through. I am all about being authentic but I can't write about this yet. and if I write about anything BUT that- I feel I am being inauthentic and making it appear that life is all sunshine and rainbows over here but really I just can't share what I'm struggling with. And that's like soo not the point of my site. I usually write through it, to work through it, sharing my insights along the way.
I sent this in an email last week. I have not blogged in almost one month!!
This rut I am in began with my post on gut instincts.
I couldn't talk about it then, and I can't talk about it now. It is so difficult for me, but as Robin from The Diary Of An Empath reminds me, it takes strength to show up. So here I am, with little direction, but I am showing up.
I haven't been writing, or in other words, utilizing my coping strategy. I don't have much of an appetite, I've been having digestive troubles, and I have been skin picking in my sleep from stress.
But OH, because you asked, I'm OK!!
Who else does this?
I sat in silence at a therapy appointment trying not to cry, but when she asked I said I was OK and she asked what OK means to be. I replied with a faint smile, "not terrible."
And she smiled back, "just surviving."
Is this being resilient or is this dismissing our feelings? Maybe it's both good and bad.
If you look again at what is in bold above, one can view those effects as red flags.
They sure are! Something is up with me, that's for sure. But, I am OK, and I'm going to tell you how I know that. I am showing up, in more ways than I think I am.
Listening to lately
Skip to 1:00 to avoid the intro. The music video isn't my favorite, but this song is just all the feels. I read that "Kesha's new song is for those battling depression" and when I first heard it I could NOT believe it was her. So so powerful. I had to listen to it more than once to really get into it, but if you are one for powerful ballads and vulnerability, you should check this out.
I have been listening to more Christian music lately. For the reason that I love how motivating the lyrics are, and I love the Singer/Songwriter genre. I was playing this song, "Soar", while on that really difficult mountain hike that I wanted to give up on. Hint: I kept going anyway.
I finally watched this movie, and if you have Netflix and have not seen it yet either DO IT. It's a true story of a 5 year old boy who was lost from his family in India, and was adopted by an Australian couple- and traveled to reunite with his family in India after 20 years !! That's not a spoiler, it's the main description. The music is phenomenal, the acting, the storyline, everything!
Miracles + motivation lately
I admit- some unfortunate things do just happen, they happen all the time, and sometimes we can't prevent them from shaking us to our core.
It may be difficult for me to write as much as I used to.
I may not be sleeping as well, and developing unhealthy anxious habits (skin picking)
I may be needing more support than usual.
but when I say that I am OK- everything I listed above is why.
I'm doing just fine, I'm doing the right things, I am helping myself heal by showing up.
I don't have to be able to write every difficult emotion and piece of my story to do so.
a challenge for you..
if nothing seems to be going right, and you don't feel like yourself, but you keep saying you're OK -
Ask yourself what OK means to you. Ask yourself what you are doing/thinking/believing in that IS making you OK, and ask yourself what isn't.
Your answers are what you are doing right,
and how you are choosing to heal.
I'm still here, lovelies. Follow me on Instagram to keep up with my story.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.