If there is one thing i have learned lately about people, it's that some really enjoy holding onto anger.
When i was little I was always getting into awful arguments here and there with my close friends. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor with my mom with my home phone against my ear, crying and trying to stick up for myself.
I remember me and 2 of my friends were in a group chat online. 5th or 6th grade maybe? They were together, and I wasn't with them. I don't remember what was being said to me in the chat but i remember just sobbing.
My mom taught me young, even in elementary school, how to use my words when someone upsets me. The "proper" way to use my words when someone upsets me:
That really hurt me when you did/said _____(specific example)
and admitting my own faults even if i don't want to or am embarrassed to do so
I know when i did/said __ that must have upset you. I'm sorry, is there anything i can do to fix it?
It has taken me far. At my age now, even with my social anxiety, i am great at sticking up for myself. Though, i am also human. I make mistakes. "It's how we go about fixing them that matters."
I tease a friend. Quite a lot. She is a person that many people tease, but does that make it okay? She puts on the tough act, so people do it more, but it doesn't mean it doesn't bother her. It can be easy when you have been friends with someone for so long, to continue the sarcasm and jokes, and to not set limits. I have taken it too far, i admit. I understand why it has been hurting her, and i would not like that either. I've been making her feel stupid. I, should know best that people hate feeling stupid, and hate when others make them feel stupid. I know it is never intended to be hurtful, but it is. Human beings are more sensitive to emotions than most of us let on. I have enough perspective to recognize my own faults, so i know screwed up. I need to work on that.
What i have learned, is that not every kid growing up had their people-pleasing mother teach them how to politely put feelings into words. This is where i find myself in a tornado of situations. Happening more than once.
When i am upset with someone, i may distance myself for a while, talk to them about the issue in person, or send them a text message to reach their understanding. I would give them specifics as to why i am upset, and make known how i feel, and try to resolve the issue.
I find that some people (not direct, honestly in general) very much enjoy being angry. Now, i agree sometimes it's fun to get sassy and to come up with these perfect comebacks, but there is more to it. Some people desperately want to keep fights going, even if they are making matters worse, or blowing things out of proportion. Some people choose to hold grudges, choose to ignore people when they see them, choose to snub them in public. To me, that takes effort. Unnecessary effort.
Anger, and let alone negativity, are complete effort to hold onto. It takes up energy. Truly, it sucks the life out of me. If i hold a grudge, it really must be because you did something awful. I hurt while it's necessary but then i let things go. I do not like conflict. I would not do this as much in my middle school years, but at this point in my life if i find myself in a fight (in person, or in text), and see it becoming worse than it should, or if i see the person wants to keep going and it is draining me, i pull myself away. I say, "I'm done" and i let them cool down. I don't do that because i enjoy ignoring people. I do it for my own sanity. I can only take so much in the moment.
It is just confusing to me. Not everyone is like me. I am quick to resolve problems. I admit my own faults if needed. Once the problem is out there, then it's simple.. *how do we fix this now.* With others, they don't want a resolution, they are still angry, they are spilling out swears and sassy comments and oy vey, they want to keep on going !!
At this point my heart is racing, i feel sick, I'm typing good comebacks but the fight isn't ending. So i just stop.
Sometimes i just want to teach people. "Instead of you texting me very defensive, and mean about why you were upset, maybe i would respond better if you worded it more appropriately." People are so quick to jump at you and call you a mother f'in bitch or freaking at a small mistake you made. All that does is cause the next person to respond something similar, then matters get worse!
So that's my unfortunate discovery. Some people are people-pleasers, some could care less. Some people hold grudges, some want to resolve problems. Some people like calm and collective conversations, and some like to flip shit and overly put you in your place.
And what can i do about this?
I can't change how others handle situations, but i can change how i react to them.
I am going to college in the Fall. Negativity, and falling outs will always be in my life, but at this point in my senior year i am not going to focus on the people that make me worried.
Not everyone has very good people skills. Everyone has very different people skills. I shall try very hard to accept this.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.