I have so many different routes I could be taking, and yet, I am overwhelmed having to choose one.
I want experience. I want to travel, get new perspectives, learn things I wouldn't have thought of myself.
I want to get out there and connect with people, and do the uncomfortable, so I can be a better person and social worker.
- I nailed an interview at a suicide prevention/crisis center. Once I get a schedule, I can begin training either next Fall, or next January.
- I have been looking into jobs for this summer. I so desperately want to be anywhere but home this summer. I was looking into working on the Vineyard, but I know my mom wants me to work around home so I can still go on our family vacation.
It's confusing being a college student. You're a young adult now and you are independent and can make your own decisions, but when you leave campus on breaks you realize everything isn't just be your call.
- I am also awaiting an acceptance to a program (I won't say what until it is official) where if I am accepted, I will be leaving mid July 2017 thru June 2018.
There is a reason why I applied, and I know it will be a great experience for personal growth, but I am also terrified.
Gone a year? I will miss my sophomore year completely- right after I have adjusted to this routine and these friends, and this school. With that..what if I won't graduate on time? I know it isn't that big of a deal to take a year off to do something else, but I like being on track.
If that happens- the volunteer crisis center, and the summer job are off the table and so is my sophomore year in Boston.
On another note- a mental health note- my year with my college counselor is coming to an end.
She is an intern, so after this year she's done at my school, and I will be working with someone else next year (If I stay.)
I knew this was coming, but now the spring semester is flying by and I have so few meetings left with her.
The good thing is- she is trying to set it up so I will not be placed with another intern again. She understands how difficult it would be to switch off from intern to intern and having them leave as we get connected and supported. I feel good about that, because I have become used to waving goodbye to my supports as my life takes a new route, and it is hard to re-tell your story to someone fresh each time.
I had a meeting with her yesterday and at the last few minutes I could feel myself shutting down. My vision was blurry, it was harder to fake looking "okay" and it felt like I had tunnel vision. My head felt heavy, and she picked up on the signs and asked me if I was okay. I smiled a little, nodded, and said "yeah" quietly. She then asked if I was overwhelmed and I said "yeah." I wasn't sure why, and that was the truth. It was just so many things at once. When I left, she said she was putting it in her notes to check in with me next week, so I should try and think what might have caused me to feel overwhelmed. I left muttering frustrated statements to myself down the hall. I got back to my dorm, pulled out my laptop and tried to write about what it might have been but I just started crying.
Was it that I had a few minutes left and I wanted it to last longer?
Was I worried about next week's appointment where she was going to be talking about the routine for ending the year with her?
Was I worried that I would cry?
It's weird to talk about, and I shake my head at myself, but I get attached to my support.
I remember when I was leaving for college and my therapist had said, "You won't be my client anymore" and I got back in my car and sobbed, completely misunderstanding what she meant.
It isn't just counselors. Teachers, friends that are older than I, nurses from my childhood memories. I look up to people. It feels so good when someone understands you, accepts you, enjoys your company. I have this weird need to be cared for, nurtured, held when this happens. Maybe not literally, but in a way. It doesn't make much sense to me. I have a loving family, it's not like I have never been nurtured. I am scared of being alone, but that makes no sense because I have so many people behind me, I know that.
I am scared to cry in front of her next week like I had with my therapist before, because I shouldn't. I shouldn't cry because that's just how it goes. So, she'll know I have a heart, and I'm human, and I care about her, and that's great, but that is just how the process works and I just need to keep moving forward.
You see, I know I am doing well, and I am not in the place I was a year ago where I must have counseling. I do like it though. It helps me to feel secure, and I crave that feeling I get when someone notices my strengths, and helps me to work thru and/or accept my weaknesses.
If I join the program next year, I won't have counseling at all.
aye yai yai
You can see why I am overwhelmed.
I struggle to make decisions because I see 8 sides to everything.
Whatever happens, I know it will work out in the end. I know that for sure. It always ends up being okay. I always end up being okay.
I've already established on here how I feel everything so deeply. Right now I have a mix of fearing too much, and loving/caring too much.
No, it isn't the worst thing, but I still need help managing these feelings so I don't end up so overwhelmed.
Any empaths, HSP, INFJ, etc : how do you manage big emotions? What helps you prevent getting overwhelmed by your feelings?
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.