I didn't know Tyler. Mom said he was in his mid-twenties. I just remember laying on my bed texting Lydia about our plans for the night and meeting at our lake cottage with a bunch of kids. Mom came in my room with the phone pressed against her ear. She gave me a concerned look as she listened to my Nana on the other end of the phone. I knew something had happened. When she told me one of my cousins committed suicide my mind first jumped to the wrong cousin, before Mom corrected me and I realized I didn't know Tyler too well. My mind raced in many places. I have always been close with his sister. I see her at family reunions, but I never would see him. He was always disconnected from the family. She just lost her brother. Mom didn't say attempted, she said committed. He's gone.
I don't remember the last time I saw him. I don't know almost anything about him. Mom said growing up he was always getting into trouble. He was a risk taker, but he was in a long-term relationship and when she broke up with him he pulled a trigger. I do not understand. I do not understand how a break up could lead you to end your life. He had been drinking. He wasn't in the right state of mind. What if he didn't know what he was doing?
But what if he did? What if he always knew someday he would pull the trigger, and he just needed a breaking point, and now he had one.
I just listened to my Mom and I sat with her on my bedroom floor. I realized what time it was and I put my sweatshirt on, and grabbed my keys to head to the lake. I was okay, but somehow..halfway down my road, I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't drive there. I was driving painfully slow. I didn't have the energy. I found myself taking a completely different road, and I realized where I needed to be. I sat at a park, far away from the other cars. I had my head against the window and I just cried. Lydia asked if I heard about Tyler. I texted Lydia that I would have to come another time. I wasn't even positive why I was crying. I had too many thoughts so I could not focus on just one.
I had an amazing weekend. I drove long distance on senior skip day, the farthest I've driven since my accident. I was happy. I was appreciative of the little things. I saw friends and family. I was feeling good, and now- this. He was family, but also a stranger to me. He was a person. Whatever thoughts were going through his head...
I just cried. What kind of world do we live in? I watched a group of boys from a distance play basketball on the court. What kind of world do we live in where somewhere out there..is someone taking their life. Where so many out there are fighting too hard to be here, and they can't just simply be here. They can't just enjoy this. Life can be so beautiful, but life can be a very dark place.
I drove home. I know my mom was worried about me when she heard I was sitting at a park at night in my car all by myself instead of seeing my friends. I went right to bed. I told her I was okay, I didn't tell her I had been crying.
I have been doing so well. However, many things have been a trigger for me lately. Certain words I hear manage to suck the life out of me. They are just reminders. Reminders of my lowest places.
But where do I go from here? How do I go about this? What are my options? I can fall apart and view the world as this dark and terrible place and accept the fact that when life becomes mentally unbearable it is okay to choose to leave it. OR, am I going to give myself permission to pause for a moment, and question all of these things, and allow myself to feel whatever I feel. Once I give myself that time, I will pick myself up again. Find ways to talk about suicide, and better ways to let the topic of suicide sit in my brain. It is a difficult topic, but what happens if we don't talk about it?
As great as I have felt this weekend, I am left feeling very drained. I am back to school tomorrow. This "living contradiction" has her mind consumed with
This blog has been jumbled just to symbolize those emotions.
RIP Tyler. I'm sorry you felt the world would be better off without you, but I know you won't have to hurt anymore.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.