It is the end of the semester, finals are coming up, and I can now see the difference between a high school and college workload.
My sleep schedule is just insane. Some nights I only sleep 2 hours. I get in bed before 11pm most nights, but some nights I don't fall asleep until 3 am. On the nights I get very little sleep, I find that I am struggling to keep my eyes open during the day when I am trying to get assignments done. I then choose to take a nap in order to regain energy for the rest of the day, but then my sleep schedule is even more destroyed when nighttime comes.
Welcome to college!
I have never been a good test-taker, and though my school gives very little tests, I put a lot of pressure on myself to excel on my written work so that my grades balance out.
There is this one class that is getting to me. It's mandatory for first-years and I have to take the first part now and second part next semester for my major. I just don't clique with my professor. I have him all year so I am worried about that. Most of classes are discussion based, with a mix of a lecture. This class is just an entire lecture at 8 am and he goes way too fast and rarely goes back to old powerpoint slides, and I'm basically learning more just by reading the textbook on my own time.
Besides my sleep problems that are always existent, and my overload of assignments, I just haven't been feeling like "me."
I'm stressed, I'm not even anxious. I am irritable, and the smallest things are getting on my nerves. I'm at a small school, so it is more of a challenge to create boundaries from negativity.
I loved Thanksgiving, but honestly, I couldn't wait to go back to school. Going home has been changing my mood in a negative way, and I don't know why but I need to improve that before winter break or I will just be miserable.
I started crying yesterday about nonsense. It was one of those moments where I knew I was being ridiculous and my logic was fighting against my emotions, but I still felt them anyway. I basically was putting myself down about numerous things and convincing myself to believe them. Why can I be my own worst critic?
I called my mom. I just needed to vent to her that I was "going crazy" and hated feeling like this. I needed to hear her make norm of it. "Well, Haley, at least you know you're being silly."
I haven't been my happy haley self. I haven't had my typical silliness of dancing and Disney music. I am in an extreme introverted fog. Except this time, I don't like this feeling of being alone. Not this way.
Sometimes I think I should try to isolate myself, because I lose energy when I'm around people. But then I think, maybe I'm just around the wrong people. I have made a lot of friends since the start of college but I am still unsure of who "my people" are and that is making me more upset right now than it should.
I can think back to every year since freshman year of high school, and possibly before that, I always seem to shut down at this time of year. I definitely get seasonal depression, but oh no I'm not taking it this year. I'm done with feeling like this.
I went online and was looking at light therapy boxes, and salt lamps. Why not try it? I still don't know the difference, but they both have similar effects.
I started taking Vitamin D supplements, so we'll see how that helps too.
Whenever I feel the least bit "off" I get scared. I worry that there is something wrong with me and that I'm depressed or that I don't fit in with anyone. Just scrolling through mindbodygreen yesterday made me feel better. There are natural ways to feel better, because this feeling is normal. I'm new to college, this is more work than I have ever had in my life, and on top of that my sleep, mood, and my health have always been a work in progress. I know that this time of year is hard for me. I don't do well when it gets dark early. That's when my negative thoughts and worries creep in and it's hard to leave my room.
I must be doing okay. I'm aware of these things. I am going to my classes, getting dressed, wearing makeup most days, and trying the little things to keep me moving. I do not like this feeling, and I need to work on not letting my "off" days or feelings scare me. They happen. I'm doing okay.
This isn't me. This is not myself. I know what is "very haley" and this just isn't it.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.