I am back in Connecticut.
I have tackled my first semester of college and I am excited for this 1 month break. A long winter break is reasonable after the many mental breakdowns and stress filled assignments that the finals period creates. I had never been swamped with that much work before. At least now I know it is manageable.
I'm not sure how I feel being home. It's nice to see my family, my friends, my cat and all, but I'm not super excited to be here. I like being on campus and feeling like the world is my own. My living space is quiet, I am not bothered, and I feel relaxed that way. It's not that I don't have freedom here, I guess I just like being on my own, and returning to family mode makes me irritable. I realize as I'm writing this how "typical teenager" this sounds, but in a weird way I think it is much more than that.
This time of year does not help my mood. I spend the wintertime wanting to fly south, move away from home, and start fresh somewhere new.
Growing up, I never really felt connected to my home. My family is here, my friends are here, everything is here, but I've never considered this my happy place. I never imagined that I would like being in the city as much as I have these past months. I think the busyness is good for me. The noise, the lights, the life. I am much more active. I walk everywhere even if it is to a "T" stop. There are so many things all in one place, that I feel like I don't have to escape quite so far.
I feel like I am definitely putting a lot of pressure on myself. I feel as though I should know by now where my "happy place" is, meaning an actual place in this world. It doesn't help that I haven't really been many places. I work every day on my mental health so my anxiety does not get the best of me. Sometimes I wonder if I would be even happier somewhere where the grass is greener and I can feel the sun in December more than anything else.
This break, I am in Connecticut, therefore I shall plan to see people in my life who represent the sunshine I seek. Seasonal Affective Disorder can really pull on you and trap you inside the darkness. My plan: I created a schedule for every day during my break and I am going to make sure to go somewhere or see someone each day to stay busy and active and keep my spirits up. This Wednesday I am having a friend over to bake cookies with while we both wear pajamas. It's the little things.
In one of my last posts, I wrote about how I was struggling to find my fit at college. Last night I ate dinner with two friends and I was effortlessly being me. When we left the dining hall we were all laughing and I could just tell that they were enjoying my company and it felt so good. I was my crazy, giggly, goofy, silly self, and I found friends that love that.
I do have people that understand and adore my personality. It was a reminder to me.
It hurts, but I can't expect every person I meet is going to like me, or isn't going to judge me at first glance. I can't expect someone to see me as I see them. Sometimes, people just aren't a good fit for you, and that's okay. I know this, I have just forgotten this while I was in my lonely rut. I do have friends that fit, maybe I was just looking in the wrong places?
I left campus knowing that I have friendly faces to see and hug when I return to campus come Janurary.
I have formed positive relationships with my professors. One, encouraging me to work at the writing center, as well as to visit her sometime.
I have the counseling center on campus as a support, and at my last appointment I was left with the reassurance and confirmation that I am "resilient." and that it is something I am. I have people that help to build me up.
Now, I need to relax and have fun this break. I do not enjoy being irritable, but luckily I have writing as an outlet to help me out. Irritability is a main symptom of anxiety disorders. I am not accepting any anxieties this break- no no no.
And that was my post-finals babble!
I'm back to the keyboard, folks! Stay with me these next few weeks.
Winter break begins. :-)
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.