I have only 17 days left until I am home for my winter break.
At the end of the semester I have been focusing on myself more than anything. It is a stressful time.
I remember being a freshman in high school and going through this period of depression at the start of the winter season. I am now comparing it to my freshman year of college.
As a freshman, you meet new people. You cling yourself to whoever you feel comfortable with and just expect that will be your "forever" friend group. Many of my freshman year high school friends were still my friends by senior year, but many of us also fell out of touch just by our sophomore year.
I remember that freshman year of high school and feeling alone with myself. I thought I didn't have friends, even though I knew that I did. I thought I was a follower, or a backup friend, never anyone's first pick. I was completely putting myself down, and I knew I wasn't doing myself any favors by thinking that way. I just wasnt connected to anyone.
Now as a freshman in college, I am going through the same thing all over again. This time, I am able to look back and see that this is normal, and this feeling will pass, and that I can't expect to find "my people for life" within my first semester of college.
It's hard, and I can't blame this on myself. Some people I love, but can take in small doses. I get along with many people, but I still compare them to some of my friendships back home.
I called my 27 year old cousin crying the other day from my dorm. It's just been one of those weeks. She was also on the verge of a breakdown from her own bad day, so she said she was glad I called. "Haley, it is crazy how alike we are. If we were in college at the same time we would have been best friends." she told me. I agreed. She's 27, and I'm 18 but I can talk to her like I can't talk to anyone else. She just gets it. We have a lot in common with our personalities and our anxieties, and when she gives advice- it isn't the kind that makes me cringe or think "I shouldnt have said anything." She gives me hope, and makes me feel less alone. I need more people like that. She told me not to isolate, or be by myself. I said, "but I like being alone." She pointed out that as my issue. Introverts can easily isolate themselves because it's comfortable for them to do so, but doing so can also put themselves in a very sad and lonely place. We need a balance with people and time alone.
I got hot chocolate with one of my friends this week and seeing her just automatically lifted my spirits. But again, it isn't quite convenient. I need more people like her in my life. However, she isn't in my dormitory, or in my classes, or in my grade for that matter. She is a 24 year old that works in the marketing office at my school.
My cousin Erica and I facetime almost every week, and she's now over 2 hours away from me. So I'm lonely because the people I connect most with are not the ones I spend most of my time with.
I'm mature for my age, and I think a lot of that has to do with my past experiences. My personality also just makes me an "old soul" and I know that. I enjoy being around people that are older than me, sometimes more than people my own age. Age doesn't matter to me, I think I just noticed it ending up that way.
I think this is why I tend to shut down around certain people, and blame myself for just not connecting with others, or feeling out of the loop. There is nothing wrong with me, and I need to remind myself that.
Besides for reminding myself that, I'm not sure what to do. I am happy being independent and having my own time, but I'm also at a small school and haven't quite found where I fit yet.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.