A couple weeks ago I had a mini crisis over "turning 19" haha. It just started to sink in.
Wait, this is my last year in my teens? Next year I'm going to be twenty. Next year, I'll have to admit I am "in my twenties." Next thing you know, I'm going to be THIRTY, and then kids and career and there goes my life!!
I can see through my screen, the adults reading this and rolling their eyes. Ok, I'm melodramatic, but I was honestly just being humorous. :-)
19 is like one of those forgotten years. The "big whoop." Part of me is confused, because I've "felt 19" for the past few years. 16 seems exciting, but you're not as old as you think you are. 18, you can say you're finally "legal." And you know, then 21-
but NINETEEN. I know age is just a number, but I feel determined to make this year memorable. Believe me, I've been waiting to say hasta la vista to the teenage years, but right now I am going into my second year of college and I just want to hold on tight.
I wasn't sure at first how to go about this post. I decided to honor those nineteen years. I am often called an old soul, wise beyond my years. Sometimes I close my eyes and think of the events I have endured so far in my life. It feels weird, that all these things people would describe as the "big stuff" can be checked off my list of major life events already. I'm sure this old soul in me is a personality trait, but I think in a lot of ways I had to grow up a lot faster than most.
At nineteen I am running my own blog site for mental health awareness. At nineteen I am telling those of all ages how important it is to be authentic and vulnerable. At nineteen, I can say I have met the darkness, and hiked towards the light. I feel like I have learned some of the most important lessons in life. I'm not perfect, but I feel prepared at times, for whatever my life will throw at me from here on out.
I truly believe we all learn something new every day. I also believe we are continuously learning new things about ourselves, even if we aren't open to listening.
I could be wrong, but from my experience, I feel as though our earliest years are the most accurate to who we are. Before our family, friends, society gave us any other ideas. Before we knew what fear was. We had our passions in the palm of our hand, and somewhere down the road we questioned that.
I remember being eleven, and wanting basketball shoes, and athletic branded t-shirts. My first way of figuring out "who I am" was with my apparel. Should I be sporty like my friends? Should I listen to their music, too? Am I enough, as I already am? Probably not.
I was actually a klutz, and good at any sport in school that did not involve a ball. So, running! I liked headbands, and floral tops. I liked to climb trees wearing dresses. But, I still begged for those basketball shoes that honestly messed with the arch on my feet, because fitting in was so important to me.
It's not so important now.
What is important is how I continue to learn who I am, while ignoring what the world wants me to be.
So, as I turn nineteen-
I am honoring what I have learned about life, about my life, and myself up until now.
In this post, I am sharing my discoveries, and what I may still be discovering.
I am still me, but a new and improved me.
discoveries, growth, and accomplishments by age 19
so, what now?
The good thing is that those things that were once "work" and "practice" are now becoming habits. These areas of growth in my 19 years are my foundation. I have some new goals for this coming year, and so on.
The purpose of this post was to reflect on who I am at 19.
Once we push aside the doubt and the fears, our purpose is much more visible and the dreams seem more do-able. Who we are is a mix of where we started, what we've discovered, and who we can be.
This is intriguing to me now, because each year we learn and grow, and later I shall refer back to this post and see what I had discovered next. Who will I be?
I just adore being awake at this hour, especially after I climbed in bed exhausted at 7pm.
One post. Just one; and then I shall try to sleep again. If you haven't noticed, I updated my site. To the right of the page, the newest feature I am most happy about, is the search bar. It is very useful when looking for specific past posts without spending too much time scrolling and clicking on every category.
Just in case you didn't realize this about me, I wanted to provide some reassurance. I love to post my favorite inspirational quotes as motivators to myself and others. I realize that in my blog entries I tend to preach some excellent realization I had or that I am feeling strong with how far I've come. Yes, I have amazing days and amazing moments where I am so happy I have my blog to share them with others. But, I don't want you to get confused with the big picture.
In many ways it is my anxiety speaking, but I have my own concerns that I will seem like a "fake." How I can share these inspirational messages one day, and be struggling to listen to the same message the next day..
I'm human too. In many ways I've conquered my illnesses, but in many ways they will always be a piece of me that I will have to work on. Like any other person, I have good and bad days.
Sometimes I am on top of the world, but sometimes I find myself struggling again and I need support just like anyone else. I want my site to be real. I don't want it to be only "this is what you need to do's" and making this all seem easy. It sure isn't easy, but it is possible. I want to be able to be truthful on my bad days because they do exist, and what matters is what I do to get through them. I am in the learning process here. :-)
Sometimes I feel the need to step away from my blog for a bit because seeing it makes me doubt myself.
Sometimes I need to remind myself of all the things I am living for, instead of focusing on the things I want to escape.
Sometimes I logically know that things will be okay no matter what, but I still believe in the evil "what-ifs" that cross my mind.
I may fall out of place for a bit, but it is about how I get back up that matters.
To those of you struggling every day with the challenges that your mental health can bring, please know you are not alone. I am in this struggle, and I am in this fight- with you.
Now time for bed..
When I was in 4th grade I remember my teacher asking me to do her a favor. She asked me to go to another 4th grade teacher's room and ask him something. (I clearly don't remember what that something was.) But why ask me? Probably the quietest kid in the class. I know she really liked me, but- why me?
I remember leaving the room for my "quest" and standing in the middle of the hallway, petrified. My mind drew a complete blank, almost as if I was unable to form words.. even in my head. I turned around and went BACK to my classroom. I remember approaching my teacher and saying "Wait, what do I say?" I wanted her to put words in my mouth. I wanted her to give me a line (almost like a script) of what I needed to ask him. Even if it was just to say 5 words.
I needed the confidence of what I was going to say before I was going to say it.
So here is what I've learned about myself:
I am a very social person, who is socially anxious, who has little confidence socially, who hates social situations, who loves talking to people, and loves people in general.
Wait What ?
Trying to figure myself out is like walking through the world's biggest corn maze.
I had been diagnosed last September with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, with many of my symptoms relating to Social Anxiety Disorder.
It was then where I had to understand that social anxiety and "shyness" are completely different things. I am not shy. I am very personable, in fact. When I'm not anxious :-)
I have also learned that I am extremely confident socially when I am familiar, interested and engaged in the conversation. Recently, I was at the kitchen table with John's sister and his mother discussing the social work career. Boy was I talking. Something that I am passionate about, and I even amazed my mom from the other room with how I held the entire conversation- eye contact and all.
Discussing stigma, mental health awareness, issues in society...Now that's where I can spend a conversation. (Reasons why I will probably kickass in my college classes) Things that matter to me, and that I am knowledgable in of course.
But try small talk with me or ask me questions I am not prepared for (even simple ones) and you can find me relating to the socially awkward penguin memes ..
So this is what confuses me:
I have no issue walking into a store at Hampton Beach and asking a complete stranger behind the counter if any places on the boardwalk did body piercings,
today I was panicking (in real tears) over the fact that I would have to check-in by myself at my dentist appointment. My mom had to come in my room, first ask me what was wrong, and then say "Haley, all you need to say is "I'm here; Haley" and they will say okay thank you."
What I have pieced together is.. in many ways it has nothing to do with my social skills. It is not shyness, or social anxiety.
It is a lack of confidence, and a fear of making mistakes.
Speaking out loud is not my problem, it is being confident enough with what I am saying.
Remember that quote I frequently use? "I write better than I talk."
When I am speaking or being asked direct questions that require a little thought, my brain freezes up. It feels like a boulder is on me and I just feel very very heavy. My cheeks could be drooping down to my shoulders. My mind is thinking about what to say, without even thinking at all.
I am not very good with a quick response, most of the time. I like to take my time and make sure I am presenting my thoughts accurately through my words. When I struggle to do so, I am very hard on myself.
Tonight, I was reminded that we all have a different process. We all have a different way of doing things, strengths and weaknesses, how our brain functions, and we all have things we wish we could change about ourselves.
Tonight, I needed it to be drilled into my head; A reminder of the real me.
I needed a reminder that I am a person who puts a lot of pressure on myself, and who sometimes needs a little time to process things. However, I am a person that proves that once I do reach that process, my words are more than meaningful and understood.
To become strong mentally there are a lot of things you need to gain, and a lot of things you need to let go.
I have challenged myself to separate my feelings from my self worth.
Now, I need to work on acceptance. I need to accept who/how I am, even the things that may frustrate or embarrass me. If I am learning self care, self respect, and self love, I must accept my flaws.
I may struggle to present myself at times. I may struggle to put my feelings into words, and I may struggle to put descriptions to my feelings.
But I have writing; my tool to process everything that runs through this head of mine, word by word.
And I have my jumpy mind that is always filled with thoughts, and my skill to focus so much time on a thought, where I am bound to discover every aspect of it at some point.
Everybody is different, we all have something.
If any of you can relate to "beating yourself up" I challenge you to take the challenge of acceptance and perspective with me.
Good things can come from our flaws, and sometimes it is our flaws that hold the talent within us.
I have been beyond frustrated for some time now ...
But oh so darn happy ..
Good things are happening in my life.
My mom and John are deciding a wedding date, I have been contributing to other websites, I have been in control of my depression and anxiety, and I have changed my diet after discovering my problems with gluten.
Everything is looking up for me.
Yet, I am so disappointed that blogging hasn't been the same to me.
Back in October I was blogging every single day. I never ran out of things to talk about, and at times I would have to hide my laptop (from myself) for days so I would limit my use.
I was trying to put together why it is no longer the same for me. 2 reasons came to mind.
When I started blogging, I was very sick. I was depressed, and my anxiety made it impossible for me to pay attention in school. Even though I had family and friends willing to help, I still felt alone. I was alone. I was misunderstood, and for that I only had 1 person. Myself. Writing was all I had.
Now, I am stronger than before. I'm no longer hiding in my bedroom with the shades drawn. I am happy again, I am bringing myself out into the world. For that reason, I don't need to write the same way as I had before, because I have so much more than myself now. And if I got lost again, and felt misunderstood again, I know now what to do and where to go to gain help and reassurance.
My second reason:
When I began blogging, I used it as a way to release my built up emotions. I would reflect upon my days, but mainly the bad parts. It was private for a reason, I was completely vulnerable and I poured every depressing emotion into the page. It was a great place to start, but I knew that my recovery was not going to be as successful if my outlet was only being used to support my negative-thinking.
It makes sense to me now. I am happier, and healthier, and my blog is still an outlet for me; I am just using it in a different way.
I am bothered by the fact that my excuse for blogging every day was because I was letting out negative emotions.
That doesn't mean I should now be struggling to write because I have too many positive emotions !?! That's crazy.
So this is what I'm going to do:
- I had blogged a gratitude journal many times before; I can sure keep up that again. It will be for me more than anyone else. But isn't that why I started writing anyway?
- The same way I used to reflect upon my day and focus on the bad, I am going to do the same and focus on the good.
My mind is a busy place, so there is no excuse for missing blog posts.
I need to stop giving the negative all of my attention unless I am reflecting on what I've learned from it.
From now on, I am celebrating the positive.
This site is a part of my story; I shouldn't leave out the good stuff.
The morning of June 16, 2015 I had just gotten to the top of my stairs to head down to go to school when I heard the worst sound in the world. My mom was breaking inside. I could hear her on the telephone and within that moment everything stopped, I just knew my Papa was gone.
It is weird to see where life takes you. I remember the day he passed I had my hair in a ponytail and I was wearing a scarf, and a long-sleeve blue dress. Today is June 16, 2016. It has been a year without him in our little world. Today was my last real day of school. I am wearing a "Wheelock College" t-shirt, and I feel pride that he is looking down on me. After our numerous college talks we had for years, I trust that he is happy with my decision and every next step that comes in my life.
An important thing I have learned to take in after losing someone you love is perspective.
It doesn't happen overnight. It is perfectly okay to let yourself fall apart at times and question life itself. I have; but I also have learned more than one way to look at it.
For example: This Sunday is my high school graduation. I have been imagining this to be very hard for me (it will be) , but I used to think the only way to view this was sadness. He won't be here to see me graduate, he is the one person I wanted to be there. However, this week I came to a realization that had made me smile. I had felt pity for my mother that Sunday is also Father's Day, but watching her first born graduate will be a healthy distraction. Also, how cool is that? On Father's Day, my Papa will see me graduate. He loves my school, and I know he is proud of me, so he wouldn't want it any other way. It will be a beautiful day.
This year has been rocky for many reasons, but I have gained the most lessons.
Before my Papa, I hadn't had much experience with loss. For him to be my grandfather, buddy, and father-figure all in one made it feel as though the world was ending. Everything just seemed darker without him, and I didn't view life the same way.
My first loss has taught me many things:
People will tell you "He is watching over you" "He is with you" and it is helpful, but awfully frustrating knowing that they are not physically here, and you don't really know.
I am just trusting his spirit, how he has always been the glue to our family, and how he has never missed an important event in our lives. This weekend I will be thinking of my grandpa very much, but I will be smiling reflecting on all he has taught me, and where he has brought me.
When I woke up this morning and scrolled through my phone I saw the common headline everyone else was seeing: “Christina Grimmie shot and killed at 22.” At first, I didn’t believe it. It just didn’t seem real, but I knew it was too morbid to be a rumor.
When I noticed all of social media was flooded with the news of her death, I began feeling sick.
I have been watching The Voice for years, and turning to Christina’s covers on YouTube. I watched her journey on The Voice from beginning to end where she received 3rd place, but was just as talented as any other winner.
I remember being 15 and feeling on top of the world when my grandparents gave my cousin and I tickets to see The Voice Tour. The talent, and the overall sound that filled the room brought me to unexpected tears falling fast from my eyes.
So today, that is what brings me the most shock. Almost 3 years ago, I saw her in person. She was so close to me, and I was able to hear her perform live.
She was just a past YouTuber, brand new to the music industry. She was living her dream, traveling the country, and signing autographs when everything was cut short for her.
Besides the shock of losing a celebrity, her death has brought heartaches to so many in the world because she was more than her talent and her fame. She was a person. She had childhood memories, favorite foods, a loving family, friends, and fears like any other person. She was still growing up, and just beginning to live.
Those who follow her know of her infectious personality, and goofy sense of humor. If anything, she has taught me to be myself. Be goofy, be all that you are, and do not care one bit what you look like as long as you are having fun.
It is absolutely disturbing for me to grasp how many deaths by shootings occur each year. Any factor with: Impulsive decision, mentally unstable, under the influence, and holding a weapon can create a wound on the world, and take away innocent lives.
I try to avoid publicly speaking about politics as much as possible, however I will not hold back by saying I have strong opinions when it comes to gun control.
Guns are scary, and the way people use guns is scary. Guns can be a strong use of protection for our country, however they are also misused by many.
Today, we lost a beautiful angel with a voice that empowers your heart and soul. It is easy to become angry and devastated with all of this chaos and tragedy in the world. It is okay to pause at times and question, but we must keep going.
Those with strong opinions about gun control should speak up about it. Each year, innocent lives are lost for many reasons, but a well-known media covered factor is the focus of public shootings.
With most crimes committed, the criminal has a high chance of suffering a mental illness. Despite the reasoning behind these crimes, there are many issues that follow that need to be talked about.
Where do we go from here?
When a tragedy occurs we tend to take 3 large steps back. We want to believe that the world is a terrible place, life sucks, and we should be afraid.
But this is how I am looking at it:
Christina Grimmie’s death is leaving many in such denial because she had such a powerful and lively spirit that is unbelievable to imagine gone. If we want to take a different perspective from the shock of her death, I believe we should honor the energy she presented us. We should smile more, we should laugh often, we should make goofy faces, embrace our inner goofball, and dedicate our lives to what makes us happy.
We should fill the world with the positive energy that was lost. Any positive outlook, decision, or impact we choose to create in our day-to-day lives will be small steps working towards big changes in making the world a better place.
Any goal or positive impact we display from here, will be stronger than any tragedy.
Christina used her voice to reach hearts. You do not need to sing to use your voice in a positive way too.
RIP Christina Grimmie. The appreciation and support of your music will never end.
Today was the day I had been dreading all week. I didn't think I could emotionally get through the week, after today.
I found that with the worries I had been so worked up over, I ended up feeling relief instead.
It wasn't entirely relief. I felt guilt.
I started hating myself for getting myself so worked up over something that ended up being okay. I had been sobbing over this. I had been considering unhealthy coping strategies over this. I reached out for help over this, and now- I'm fine. Everything is fine.
So yes that's good thing, but it also isn't. Why do I do this to myself?
I sat in class with a sick feeling in my stomach and I did not feel safe with myself. I turned to my friend, "I'm going to lose it, and I'm really hating myself right now, can you please give me some kind of positive talk and tell me I'm okay." She paused for awhile. "I don't know what to say." "Just tell me I have nothing to worry about, and nobody thinks bad of me, and I am okay, and it is okay I reacted how I did because I didn't know-" "Haley..there you go..you can say it." "NO." I wanted her to say it. It sounded stupid but in those moments when I am losing myself I feel a desperate need to have someone look me in the eyes and reassure me I did what I had to because it needed to happen for me in the moment. I need someone to tell me it is okay, and nobody thinks of me differently, and I don't have to hate myself because people are understanding."
Now, do I need to hear that in order to be okay?
I can get by without reassurance, but I do seek it when I'm struggling with doubt.
I can be my own best friend, or my own worst enemy. Sometimes, or most of the time..it is only me who brings myself down. I create false ideas of others' perceptions of me- and that's not okay. Not only is it not realistic..why does that matter to me? Why do I need reassurance from others as a confirmation to feel safe in my own skin? In my own mind?
I so badly want to feel comfortable in my own mind, and skin. I want to be able to trust myself, and turn to others less for help or reassurance.
I always seek advice or reassurance and if the answer isn't what I had hoped for, I second guess everything. I'm not lost in this world. I know who I am, and what I want at times. My problem is that I feel safer with approval before I do things my way.
I only let myself down when I do what others think I should do. When I am inspired, those are my inspirations. I should tackle them. I shouldn't expect them to always inspire someone else too and have me receive the same response from them.
It's complicated. I don't view myself as a leader or a follower. I believe I lead more than follow, but I lead and then take 3 large steps back in doing so.
This must be a confidence issue.
I find that worrying about what someone may think of me, hurts me much more than knowing what someone thinks of me. It is the unknown that kills me, but I can brush off most snubs.
I want to be able to tell myself I am okay or it is okay, and believe it.
I want to be able to seek others' opinions at times, but also remember that everyone is different, and if I turn to my original thought- maybe I should go for it.
I frustrate myself with my own contradictions.
Anxiety causes you to create nonexistent worries, yes.
But this self doubt makes me feel like I have no power.
So how.. ?
Besides "faking it till you make it", and continuously trying..
how can I work on being strong-minded, confident, and not being so hard on myself?
I find myself with a pain in my chest having a meltdown or crisis because of my fears. How can I learn to trust myself?
I am working day by day to accept my struggles instead of hating myself for them. I need to forgive myself, I need to trust myself.
In those moments where everything is closing in on me..
how do I do that?
I'm seventeen. I turn eighteen in 2 months. I'm going to college in the Fall.
And I just had my mom email my teacher for me to alert her of my anxiety before my final presentation.
So here are the thoughts I want to be having:
"I'm pathetic. I can't email my teacher myself, so my mom has to do it for me."
"I can't just suck it up and tackle this, I'm a failure."
But this is what I should be thinking:
"Ok, I know I can do presentations. I have proved it to myself before. My anxiety is just too much for me to handle right now, and that's okay."
"I have every right to reach out for help."
"If I can't do this entirely on my own, it's okay if someone helps me out. It doesn't mean I am incapable of doing all things on my own. Just today, I need some help."
"Hey, I am okay now. My teacher is aware, she knows I may not be able to handle it, so I can breathe now, I don't have to hide anymore."
I get myself too worked up. I have been sobbing for over a week over this stupid presentation. It's for my Foods class. I would be fine reading a powerpoint, but for some reason making something at the front of the class seems terrifying. ON TOP of my social anxiety, my presentation is on my Papa's birthday. The last time I saw him was on his birthday last year. I am flooded with overwhelming emotions.
My mom started to get frustrated with me. "Haley you get yourself so worked up, if you say you would rather take a zero, then do it, I don't care what you do anymore I just want you to calm down."
I took it harshly. I want to be able to do this, doesn't she understand that? I just don't know if I can.
In many ways, though, she was right. If I am crying this hard and hating myself over my anxiety, maybe I should just stop doing this to myself. I just stop pushing myself so hard, and give myself permission to say "I can't."
Social Anxiety is a downright BITCH. Our social life is all around us. We need communication in the real world. When you have a social anxiety disorder and you struggle with little things in your social life, it can cause you to hate and blame yourself.
I grew up being ashamed of myself for the fear I faced in social situations. I grew up believing I was fighting who I was, and "who I was" was "pathetic."
At my age now, I am able to be more vocal about my social anxieties, and speaking up helps me to realize I'm not pathetic, I'm not weak, and I'm not alone. However, I still struggle with asking for help when my anxiety arises, and I still struggle with not blaming myself for my feelings.
This is what I want to point out. 2 Topics:
Social Anxiety does NOT define your overall courage. In fact, having social anxiety does not make you a coward. It can make you feel like one, and that is not okay.
When you are standing in line to order food and you feel your heart racing, or when you are sweating and stuttering during a presentation- you are not being cowardly. Anxiety is plain old discomfort. We tend to blame ourselves when we experience uncomfortable feelings.
Today, my mom needed to help me send an email. That does not judge how I will perform in college, or in life overall.
*When we begin to blame ourselves for our anxieties, we must take a step back.
- acknowledge the small successes in our day (whether it's "hey I got out of bed, I read a chapter in a book, I talked with a friend, I paid at the cash register, etc.")
- reflect upon times when we were proud of ourselves, or others were proud of us
- think hard if you have to, but think of qualities you possess that do show your courage.
Now here's mine:
I am courageous because even though I struggle with social anxiety, and even though I fall apart and breakdown because of it, I try. I may struggle, things may not always be presented perfectly, but I am damn courageous for trying, and trying shows that I am fighting against this bastard battle of mine. I am not quitting on this battle if some days it is too much for me to handle. All that matters, is that I breathe, relax, get back to being me, and pick myself up and start trying again.
I am trying to remind myself that I have been here before. This feeling, it sucks, but it is only temporary. The painful ab-forming belly laughs, and the disney princess-like dancing to happy songs will be back again soon.
I have been scattered.
I never wrote a blog post on my insomniac sleep plan update because honestly I did not follow it. I tried, but I couldn't. I have been sleeping, but it is unfortunately because my depression has been back more than my anxiety, and I have been sleeping 14 hours school nights.
A lot of words are triggers for me. This week, ever since a death in my family, I have been triggered by the thought of suicide.
It just sucks the life out of you, you know? How can you go about your daily life while knowing that we live in a world where people think they will be better off dead?
This week, I have cried in all of my classes, concerned my classmates, and reunited with some of my old bad habits.
The most motivating thing I have done all day is opening my laptop and starting this post. I'm dragging weights.
I am numb, I am scared, I am anxious about school ending, and sad about certain goodbyes that will be made after all of the continuous support I have had this year. Next week will be Papa's birthday. 1 year ago on his birthday-was the last time I saw him. I am dreading school that day. The following week will be the anniversary of his death. I am consumed with emotion, but I'm making myself blog. I must keep writing- always.
I am still here. I am still fighting, and I must keep going. I have already made it this far.
I didn't know Tyler. Mom said he was in his mid-twenties. I just remember laying on my bed texting Lydia about our plans for the night and meeting at our lake cottage with a bunch of kids. Mom came in my room with the phone pressed against her ear. She gave me a concerned look as she listened to my Nana on the other end of the phone. I knew something had happened. When she told me one of my cousins committed suicide my mind first jumped to the wrong cousin, before Mom corrected me and I realized I didn't know Tyler too well. My mind raced in many places. I have always been close with his sister. I see her at family reunions, but I never would see him. He was always disconnected from the family. She just lost her brother. Mom didn't say attempted, she said committed. He's gone.
I don't remember the last time I saw him. I don't know almost anything about him. Mom said growing up he was always getting into trouble. He was a risk taker, but he was in a long-term relationship and when she broke up with him he pulled a trigger. I do not understand. I do not understand how a break up could lead you to end your life. He had been drinking. He wasn't in the right state of mind. What if he didn't know what he was doing?
But what if he did? What if he always knew someday he would pull the trigger, and he just needed a breaking point, and now he had one.
I just listened to my Mom and I sat with her on my bedroom floor. I realized what time it was and I put my sweatshirt on, and grabbed my keys to head to the lake. I was okay, but somehow..halfway down my road, I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't drive there. I was driving painfully slow. I didn't have the energy. I found myself taking a completely different road, and I realized where I needed to be. I sat at a park, far away from the other cars. I had my head against the window and I just cried. Lydia asked if I heard about Tyler. I texted Lydia that I would have to come another time. I wasn't even positive why I was crying. I had too many thoughts so I could not focus on just one.
I had an amazing weekend. I drove long distance on senior skip day, the farthest I've driven since my accident. I was happy. I was appreciative of the little things. I saw friends and family. I was feeling good, and now- this. He was family, but also a stranger to me. He was a person. Whatever thoughts were going through his head...
I just cried. What kind of world do we live in? I watched a group of boys from a distance play basketball on the court. What kind of world do we live in where somewhere out there..is someone taking their life. Where so many out there are fighting too hard to be here, and they can't just simply be here. They can't just enjoy this. Life can be so beautiful, but life can be a very dark place.
I drove home. I know my mom was worried about me when she heard I was sitting at a park at night in my car all by myself instead of seeing my friends. I went right to bed. I told her I was okay, I didn't tell her I had been crying.
I have been doing so well. However, many things have been a trigger for me lately. Certain words I hear manage to suck the life out of me. They are just reminders. Reminders of my lowest places.
But where do I go from here? How do I go about this? What are my options? I can fall apart and view the world as this dark and terrible place and accept the fact that when life becomes mentally unbearable it is okay to choose to leave it. OR, am I going to give myself permission to pause for a moment, and question all of these things, and allow myself to feel whatever I feel. Once I give myself that time, I will pick myself up again. Find ways to talk about suicide, and better ways to let the topic of suicide sit in my brain. It is a difficult topic, but what happens if we don't talk about it?
As great as I have felt this weekend, I am left feeling very drained. I am back to school tomorrow. This "living contradiction" has her mind consumed with
This blog has been jumbled just to symbolize those emotions.
RIP Tyler. I'm sorry you felt the world would be better off without you, but I know you won't have to hurt anymore.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.