Do you ever feel defeated?
...because YOU let something get to you.
...because YOU know that you have the power to decide who/what hurts you.
...but you still let it hurt you?
It hadn't reached my understanding until this year that you can choose to be happy.
It sounds like total BS to say, because clearly- shit happens. In a depressive state, nobody wants to hear "just choose to be happy." It doesn't work like that. There is no way you can be happy all the time. It is perfectly normal to have down days, or moments where you fall apart.
Most of the time, you can choose to be happy. You can change your point of view, to change an outcome. You can decide to bite your lip, take a breath, or do whatever you need to keep doing you.
Earlier this week, I allowed my past to creep into the present and disrupt it.
I have been protecting myself for a while now.
I spent my early adolescence taking care of everyone but myself. I've been working to break that pattern by learning the difference between self-care vs. selfish.
Sometimes, I slip from my duty. My obligation. I take 3 steps back and question whether or not I'm doing the right thing, or if this "self-care" thing is morally wrong if it is protecting me but hurting others.
I was in class when I got a text.
I just went into a downward spiral. I thought I was doing the right thing, but is this the right thing?
I held back my tears until my class was over. I went back to my dorm, unzipped and kicked off my boots, took 4 melatonin supplements and climbed in bed. I slept 3 1/2 hours. I was mentally exhausted. I didn't want to be awake to feel that emptiness and sadness.
These intrusive messages- I have had this happen before, many many times. I have always just ignored it, not putting pressure on myself to reply, and surrounded myself with positive people to keep my life on track. Why the hell am I letting it sink me now?
I hadn't fully noticed how low I had gotten myself until I woke up, almost slept through our dormitory fire drill, and missed my advising appointment while in my "coma."
I did this to me.
Instead of blaming myself, I realized that this week I may need a little more rest than usual. I forced myself to say "yes" or "okay" when my friends asked me to go out. I made sure I got to yoga class Wednesday night..
Today, I had an appointment at the counseling center. I honestly look forward to these appointments. I leave feeling drained, but I recharge soon enough. It is like getting new batteries for my system, or putting gas in my car.
I expressed my frustration that something I have dealt with for years, is bothering me now. I was reminded of the word that does it all: change.
College is change. Whether I feel it or not, I have brand new stressors. College classes, a new social life, a new schedule; So maybe some of the things I have been able to handle before, are just not cooperating with this new environment.
Back to my issue:
I have been distancing myself from negativity. My mental health is everything to me. It is fragile, and I must take care of myself. I am protecting myself by choosing happiness with what I want and need around me.
The best way I can explain it is... that the negativity is still there, banging its fist on the door to the content lifestyle I have finally pieced together. I am having trouble ignoring the sound. I am having trouble moving forward. I know if I stop, and answer that door I could be risking things for myself. I have already gotten this far.
[At this point you are probably extremely confused with my sound-like guessing game.]
I still don't know what exactly I should do.
However, I now know that it is OKAY to feel what I feel.
I have members of my support system who have been reassuring me that my feelings are valid, because I have spent too much of my life fighting my feelings.
I don't know whether or not to take the risk in opening that "door."
I do know this:
I am going to continue to take care of myself, trust myself, and remind myself that I am a good person who is doing what's best for me.
At my appointment today, my counselor told me that something she has noticed about me is that I am very resilient.
Being able to "keep going" doesn't have anything to do with gliding through greatness.
"Keep going" is everything about picking yourself up when you fall down.
I continue to prove to myself that good things are around the corner. Even when I am caught up in questioning morality, self-doubt, and worries, I am still able to spring back into shape like a boomerang.
My therapist back home would always refer to our troubles being waves. They come, and go. It is our job to ride them out.
A Boston social work student, using writing for healing. Sharing the peaks and valleys of an empath's mental health journey.