Alright, Haley girl, we need to talk.
Something isn't working here. But maybe it isn't supposed to.
I called a friend from my car after my therapy appointment. When she picked up the phone, I answered her hello with a grunt. "Yeah?" she said jokingly. "Yeah." I said. "What happened?"
I left therapy fighting back tears. I don't know why this is so hard for me. Every question that is asked gets a response of "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" when normally I could write a chapter of a book with each answer.
How I resonate with the empath title? It's easy to write about, but embarassing to talk about?
I write things down and bring them in, but once read aloud I realize how foolish it sounds, or by then I am over it.
I am given specific options to choose from, but each choice makes me think, "Well I want this because, but I also don't want this because-"
I am left feeling stuck.
For someone who cares so much, I show myself to not care at all.
It is as if each word that crosses my mind is being filtered before it is said, leaving me speechless.
It is such an uncomfortable feeling, not knowing what to say, but wanting to be heard.
I spend so much time outside of therapy, planning, to get the most out of my next appointment. It's like I forget how to speak when I get there. I am reminded that this is "my session" and I become inevitably frustrated with myself that this keeps happening. I choose to sit in silence, fight back tears, and try to think of what on earth I'm doing.
How come things don't matter as much to me when I get in there? Or am I just fearing judgment?
My friend even said how I write so eloquently, "but when you speak it can come out so jumbled." She then said, "Haley sometimes when you speak I am like..wait what the fuck are you saying?" I laughed and joked back saying, "Maybe I should just sew my mouth shut like Coraline and walk around with a mini whiteboard and an expo marker."
Writing is how I express myself. It works for me.
My friend even said, "Maybe you should just do therapy over email that way so you can just get everything out easier?" Not a bad idea..
However, I need the social interaction to practice these things. I've already come so far, I can't just give up yet. This takes work.
I almost just need a confidence boost. I need to hear someone point out all that I'm doing right, that it's okay to feel what I feel, that I'm not as difficult as I think I am. I just need reassurance, a boost to keep me heading in the right direction.
I'm going to try something.
I go back to school next week. I have a long break from therapy at home, and I have an on-campus counselor if needed.
I need to start having faith in myself, so maybe I should give myself some room to do so.
Sometimes just by doing this, writing in my bedroom, I am able to let things go, and discover new insights all on my own. Sometimes that's all I need to do. Sometimes forcing myself to speak makes me feel worse.
When I go back to campus, I'm going to give myself time to settle back in.
I am not where I was last year. Maybe I am running out of things to say, because I really am doing okay? If I go once a week, I am most likely "over with" last week's issue. I'm going to stop being so hard on myself; trying to figure things out all at once. I'll suggest going to counseling every other week, or every 2 weeks instead.
Give myself time to just be.
Here' s a look into the life of a living contradiction! Welcome Welcome! Just a college girl trying to create a peaceful life while managing irrational anxiousness. :-)