Long time no post !
I have been busy busy busy trying to sort out my college plans.
Now, i have been excited for college since 6th grade. I remember hearing my mom talk about her college experience and i just couldn't wait for it. I could not wait for the independence and the ability to choose a place, and study what you like.
I started looking at schools far before any of my friends. I kept a folder of college information which my mom called my "nerd folder."
Now you would think since i got over 4 years in advance of college research under my belt, i would know where i am going by now. Nope.
With my mental health issues hitting me at full force this past October, i still managed to apply to 6 schools. 3 Virginia, 3 New England.
When spring break came i was eager to take a road trip to Virginia to visit my schools. When discussing it with my mom, I was quick to be disappointed. After the year i have had with my severe depression (not going into details, but i put my mom through hell), my mom did not feel comfortable sending me to Virginia for the fall. I'm doing better, but i'm not better. I am still struggling. For safety reasons, she wanted to be able to get to me if she needed to. I was very discouraged. I truly understood her perspective, but at the same time i was upset that i couldn't even visit this school i got accepted to. What if it was "the one?" It has caused A LOT of arguments and tears with my mom and I. She told me she doesn't care much about distance. She would be fine sending me to Virginia, Florida, anywhere- if she was convinced i was happy and healthy enough for it. She told me if i go to school in New England this year, i can always transfer down south after.
I never wanted to transfer, but now I'm looking at it as an option. For some reason i feel more comfortable going to school down south than in New England. In the south, i am much more social, much more confident- i don't know it's weird. I just have a connection there.
I became severely overwhelmed at my 3 options left. One of them, i applied as a safety school, and i really did not want to go there. Another, in Massachusetts, i visited and was not a fan of. I pictured myself going home every weekend if i went there because the campus did not make me feel comfortable. So now I only had 1 option left, Springfield College.
Springfield does not have the major i want, they only have it for grad school. I applied to 2 new schools wicked last minute just so i could have more options.
Fallon, Xhesika, and I took a day trip to Newport, RI to visit Salve Regina University. Who wouldn't want to live in Newport? However, i could tell by the campus that i felt awkward. I'm sure i am judging the school overall, but every student i saw was super preppy, and i just assumed it was a private rich kid school. I don't mind kids like that, but i don't want to be in a school full of them. I like diversity. I didn't think i would find much there. I pictured every white girl to be judging me. It was a great place to visit, but it didn't seem like a "Haley school." I like old yet pretty brick buildings, pillars, porches, wide open super green grass, brick sidewalks, just a "home-like" feel. Overall, the day was great with Fallon and Xhesika. We packed a ton of food and had a picnic on the beach, and walked around town.
The next day, I visited Springfield College and we brought Fallon with us for the tour. It definitely fit me more than the other schools i visited recently. I wish they had a Social Work major for Bachelors, but i can always do 4 years of Psych and 2 extra years to attain my MSW.
I am still waiting to get my decision from Wheelock College this coming week. Then i'll be visiting Boston! As of now, i have no idea where I will end up.
It's sad that my mental illness has affected my college dream plans, but i can't be too hard on myself because of it. If Virginia is the place for me, it will still be there. For now i shall continue to get out with friends and family, blog more, keep myself safe, and work on my self-care.
I'm accepting that not everyone ends up at the school they have always wanted to, or intended on going to.
I should just be fortunate. Fortunate that i can go to college in the first place. Fortunate I'm not trapped at home another 2 years. Fortunate that i got accepted to every school i applied to after scaring myself for years thinking i would never get into college.
Things don't always work out as we want them to. I am just trusting that no matter where i end up, good things will come of it.
Stay tuned with me. I shall know by May 1st where i will be going this Fall. Will it be Springfield or Boston, Mass ?
Here' s a look into the life of a living contradiction! Welcome Welcome! Just a college girl trying to create a peaceful life while managing irrational anxiousness. :-)