I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach and had hardly slept the night before. We hardly ever host parties, and now we will be! Not only that, but this will be the first time our family will all be gathered together at our new home.
For once this year I actually was beginning to feel like this is my place. This is my home. Soon people will be coming to my home.
My cousin Kristy had said something today that stood out to me. "After you have gone through so much shit in life, when anything good happens you just want to jump at it."
I related very much to that. My struggles have given be a broad perspective. I appreciate the little things often- (though I could more..)
So today, I was jumping at it. I hugged my mom often and told her and John how happy I was. Just walking through my house and seeing people out the windows and in all directions just made me so happy. Not once today did my mind wander, not once did I dissociate, and looking back I was completely focused and appreciative of the present moment.
Months ago, family parties would be absolutely draining for me. I would leave early, cry on the bathroom floor with an anxious stomach, or feel overly exhausted and zombie-like.
I'm jumping at this. This to me, is perfection. If there is such thing as perfection. I am enjoying and daydreaming about today like a dork.
I am incredibly grateful for my family. My cousins are my best friends, my grandparents gave me cards that made me cry, and I have an enormous amount of support.
With my mental health struggles, all that mattered to me is that people could see I was trying. In my lowest moments my mom would become frustrated with me being in bed 24/7 and say "you aren't even trying." That killed me. I felt like I was trying so hard.
Overall, if there is anything I have been taking for granted, it is that my family has seen my progress, and they know how hard I tried.
My Grammy wrote in my graduation card that she was proud of my strength this year when I was stuck in the "doldrums." My aunts, uncles, mom, grandparents, etc continuously tell me how proud they are of me. They understand all I have fought through, and all I have overcome. I take that for granted because I know if anything, it is easy to feel alone with a mental illness. As alone as I may feel at times, and though it may be hard to see at times, I know I always have people behind me.
I feel happy, strong, and emotional all at the same time. Tomorrow will be my last Monday of the school year. Just 1 more week of school, and then I'm free. It will be an exciting, but emotional week. I think it's perfectly okay if I get sappy and overwhelmed at the good things happening around me, because now I can reflect upon where I used to be.
Here' s a look into the life of a living contradiction! Welcome Welcome! Just a college girl trying to create a peaceful life while managing irrational anxiousness. :-)