Most info taken from elsewhere, but all extremely relatable and could have been described by me if i could put things into words. I am highlighting the ones that made my eyes bug out in agreement. Every piece of me that makes sense in my head, but i could never put into words. The explanations as to why i think i am so abnormal, and why it is so hard for me to talk about what goes on in my head.
INFJs are intensely moved by live performances, which are often exhilarating, and emotionally overwhelming for them. They prefer small intimate gatherings.
Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. Mostly because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood.
Namely, INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJS can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life.
“I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what i did wrong.”
Often feel happiest and most fulfilled when helping others understand themselves and their problems
Perspective is key.
I just need to work on the self hatred so i can not attach my overall personality to my mental illness.
This is going to be work.
I'm SO excited for May. A bunch of people coming together to speak up about mental illness and fight stigma !! Yass! I wanted to do my part. I signed the stigma free pledge- and you can too.
I have been looking EVERYWHERE for pre-made blog challenges for mental health awareness. I could not find any. So I decided to come up with my own challenge. A blog post for each day during the month of May. I grabbed my ideas from many different places, and came up with some myself. All posts to either educate about mental heath, work on bettering my own mental health, etc etc.
So this is what i came up with!
Day 1: How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 2: What brings you happiness? The big and little things.
Day 3: Three things you are proud of.
Day 4: A moment that changed you.
Day 5: If you are a young person, how do mental health issues affect you and your peers?
Day 6: Something you regret having done last year.
Day 7: A quote you try to live by
Day 8: Mother's Day
Day 9: Something that is a part of your routine that you enjoy.
Day 10: Ten interesting facts about yourself.
Day 11: Five fears that you have and how they became fears.
Day 12: Something you've learned from a mistake.
Day 13: Top three favorite experiences
Day 14: Words or phrases that make you laugh.
Day 15: Something you miss.
Day 16: Depression talk: What hurts and what helps? (Doesn't have to be the "right" thing)
Day 17: Your coping strategies/self-care kit. (websites/apps for betterment)
Day 18: Dear Depression letter.
Day 19: Your worst habits.
Day 20: What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
Day 21: Reflection on NAMI walk.
Day 22: What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
Day 23: Three confessions of your choice.
Day 24: 7 things that cross your mind a lot
Day 25: Something you are currently worrying about
Day 26: Things you like and dislike about yourself.
Day 27: Reducing the stigma around therapy
Day 28: How to talk to someone you are worried about
Day 29: How to become free of stigma
Day 30: Something you are excited for.
Day 31: Write a letter to yourself
I have 2 skills i am trying to work on.
They both can go along with each other, but they are also quite different.
I tend to focus on 1000 worries all at once. You can not decide to not worry in general when you have valid reasons, but you can choose what worries are rational and separate the ones that are irrational.
Example: Just this past week i was crying all day long about a presentation i knew i had the next day. Not only was i stressing about something the day before it even occurred, i was also generalizing that worry. If I can't handle a presentation in high school how can i handle them in college? Or a job? An interview? I will always be this socially anxious mess.
So now my presentation worry became worrying about my future capabilities.
What should i have done?
Well, i should not relate things together so easily. Me struggling about one thing, does not mean i will struggle with every single one to come after that.
I should have just breathed. I should have talked to someone (earlier) about my concern, so it would not take up the innocent day before the event.
Today: Avoiding specific details, but i was texting someone during school and things that were being said were making me uncomfortable. The conversation was about graduation. I was stressing over the situation and the person's intended actions.
I chose to take a step back. I was having a good day. Is this a valid worry to consume me right now? I put the worry aside. No, i shall continue to have a great day. Graduation is 2 months away. I need to focus on now.
In therapy a while back we discussed my "therapy box." I put my future concern in my therapy box, and i will close it for now, and open it when it is valid to discuss.
My other skill i am trying so very hard to work on (and not doing too well.) I realize that i spend 99% of my time focusing on either the future or the past. I do not recall a day where i didn't turn my brain towards a past or future worry, and just simply stayed in the moment.
To do this, you have to very much be in tune with your senses.
As I was driving to school today i was feeling the warm air against my hands. I was feeling the texture of the steering wheel. I was listening to the song on the radio, and i did not let my mind go elsewhere. I chose a sense and stuck with it.
A question as simple as "what did you do this weekend?" is very difficult for me to answer. Unless it is something i worried about, i have zero memories of the little things.
That's sad. How is that living my life if i am skipping forward in control instead of moving with the flow?
Writing is very helpful. I am here. I am focusing on the now. I can write about the past or future but in the present i am feeling the keys and hearing the tapping sound.
I shall work on this. If I'm going to live, i might as well make it meaningful.
I AM BOSTON BOUND
Today I decided on Wheelock College.
It is funny to see how i got here. I'm still not quite sure. I told my family years ago there was NO way i'd go to school in Boston or ANY city. I thought i had a perfect idea in mind. A southern campus, brick buildings, green grass campus, white pillars, brick or stone sidewalks. A "home-like" feel.
Now, this is not what i would've imagined as a "Haley school"
But maybe it is?
"Inspire a World of Good" Now that is a motto i shall follow.
A school of people who want to make a difference. Helping professions.
I could benefit from this!
I ultimately made my decision over the Social Work program and not just the campus. I was rewarded a merit scholarship of $15,000 as well !!
I have many anxieties regarding college, but all of my fears could also have amazing benefits. Is it a shame that fear can take control over how incredibly blessed you are? I'm going to college!! This fear needs to leave!!
Sometimes it's good to be afraid. Fear is an unpleasant feeling, and anxiety makes it seem even more like hell. Though, anxiety makes things unpleasant, NOT impossible.
Good things could come of this!
techniques to try for better mindfulness:
*Goals in bold*
- Replace judgemental thoughts and statements with non-judgemental ones
TIPS: state facts, describe facts, describe consequences of the event, describe your own feelings in response to the facts.
-Observe your judgemental facials, postures, and voice tones.
-Imagine a person you are angry with and bring to mind what that person has done to make you angry. Try to become that person seeing life from their point of view. Imagine the person's feelings, fears, hopes, and wishes. Imagine that person's history and what has happened in his/her history.
One-Mindfulness w/ tasks
-Awareness while making tea/coffee: do each movement slowly- be aware of each detail of every movement, breathe gently
-Awareness while washing the dishes - do it consciously, do not rush through it. Consider each dish to be the most important thing
- Awareness with meditation- close your eyes, sit comfortably, breathe in "one" breathe out "one" Say the word "one" as your breathe in and out, try not to move. Continue practicing a little past wanting to stop.
-Observe when you begin to get angry/hostile with someone, Ask yourself is this effective?
- Observe yourself when you start wanting to be "right" instead of effective, give up being "right" and try to switch to effective
- Notice willfulness in yourself- ask yourself is this effective?
If there is one thing i have learned lately about people, it's that some really enjoy holding onto anger.
When i was little I was always getting into awful arguments here and there with my close friends. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor with my mom with my home phone against my ear, crying and trying to stick up for myself.
I remember me and 2 of my friends were in a group chat online. 5th or 6th grade maybe? They were together, and I wasn't with them. I don't remember what was being said to me in the chat but i remember just sobbing.
My mom taught me young, even in elementary school, how to use my words when someone upsets me. The "proper" way to use my words when someone upsets me:
That really hurt me when you did/said _____(specific example)
and admitting my own faults even if i don't want to or am embarrassed to do so
I know when i did/said __ that must have upset you. I'm sorry, is there anything i can do to fix it?
It has taken me far. At my age now, even with my social anxiety, i am great at sticking up for myself. Though, i am also human. I make mistakes. "It's how we go about fixing them that matters."
I tease a friend. Quite a lot. She is a person that many people tease, but does that make it okay? She puts on the tough act, so people do it more, but it doesn't mean it doesn't bother her. It can be easy when you have been friends with someone for so long, to continue the sarcasm and jokes, and to not set limits. I have taken it too far, i admit. I understand why it has been hurting her, and i would not like that either. I've been making her feel stupid. I, should know best that people hate feeling stupid, and hate when others make them feel stupid. I know it is never intended to be hurtful, but it is. Human beings are more sensitive to emotions than most of us let on. I have enough perspective to recognize my own faults, so i know screwed up. I need to work on that.
What i have learned, is that not every kid growing up had their people-pleasing mother teach them how to politely put feelings into words. This is where i find myself in a tornado of situations. Happening more than once.
When i am upset with someone, i may distance myself for a while, talk to them about the issue in person, or send them a text message to reach their understanding. I would give them specifics as to why i am upset, and make known how i feel, and try to resolve the issue.
I find that some people (not direct, honestly in general) very much enjoy being angry. Now, i agree sometimes it's fun to get sassy and to come up with these perfect comebacks, but there is more to it. Some people desperately want to keep fights going, even if they are making matters worse, or blowing things out of proportion. Some people choose to hold grudges, choose to ignore people when they see them, choose to snub them in public. To me, that takes effort. Unnecessary effort.
Anger, and let alone negativity, are complete effort to hold onto. It takes up energy. Truly, it sucks the life out of me. If i hold a grudge, it really must be because you did something awful. I hurt while it's necessary but then i let things go. I do not like conflict. I would not do this as much in my middle school years, but at this point in my life if i find myself in a fight (in person, or in text), and see it becoming worse than it should, or if i see the person wants to keep going and it is draining me, i pull myself away. I say, "I'm done" and i let them cool down. I don't do that because i enjoy ignoring people. I do it for my own sanity. I can only take so much in the moment.
It is just confusing to me. Not everyone is like me. I am quick to resolve problems. I admit my own faults if needed. Once the problem is out there, then it's simple.. *how do we fix this now.* With others, they don't want a resolution, they are still angry, they are spilling out swears and sassy comments and oy vey, they want to keep on going !!
At this point my heart is racing, i feel sick, I'm typing good comebacks but the fight isn't ending. So i just stop.
Sometimes i just want to teach people. "Instead of you texting me very defensive, and mean about why you were upset, maybe i would respond better if you worded it more appropriately." People are so quick to jump at you and call you a mother f'in bitch or freaking at a small mistake you made. All that does is cause the next person to respond something similar, then matters get worse!
So that's my unfortunate discovery. Some people are people-pleasers, some could care less. Some people hold grudges, some want to resolve problems. Some people like calm and collective conversations, and some like to flip shit and overly put you in your place.
And what can i do about this?
I can't change how others handle situations, but i can change how i react to them.
I am going to college in the Fall. Negativity, and falling outs will always be in my life, but at this point in my senior year i am not going to focus on the people that make me worried.
Not everyone has very good people skills. Everyone has very different people skills. I shall try very hard to accept this.
Long time no post !
I have been busy busy busy trying to sort out my college plans.
Now, i have been excited for college since 6th grade. I remember hearing my mom talk about her college experience and i just couldn't wait for it. I could not wait for the independence and the ability to choose a place, and study what you like.
I started looking at schools far before any of my friends. I kept a folder of college information which my mom called my "nerd folder."
Now you would think since i got over 4 years in advance of college research under my belt, i would know where i am going by now. Nope.
With my mental health issues hitting me at full force this past October, i still managed to apply to 6 schools. 3 Virginia, 3 New England.
When spring break came i was eager to take a road trip to Virginia to visit my schools. When discussing it with my mom, I was quick to be disappointed. After the year i have had with my severe depression (not going into details, but i put my mom through hell), my mom did not feel comfortable sending me to Virginia for the fall. I'm doing better, but i'm not better. I am still struggling. For safety reasons, she wanted to be able to get to me if she needed to. I was very discouraged. I truly understood her perspective, but at the same time i was upset that i couldn't even visit this school i got accepted to. What if it was "the one?" It has caused A LOT of arguments and tears with my mom and I. She told me she doesn't care much about distance. She would be fine sending me to Virginia, Florida, anywhere- if she was convinced i was happy and healthy enough for it. She told me if i go to school in New England this year, i can always transfer down south after.
I never wanted to transfer, but now I'm looking at it as an option. For some reason i feel more comfortable going to school down south than in New England. In the south, i am much more social, much more confident- i don't know it's weird. I just have a connection there.
I became severely overwhelmed at my 3 options left. One of them, i applied as a safety school, and i really did not want to go there. Another, in Massachusetts, i visited and was not a fan of. I pictured myself going home every weekend if i went there because the campus did not make me feel comfortable. So now I only had 1 option left, Springfield College.
Springfield does not have the major i want, they only have it for grad school. I applied to 2 new schools wicked last minute just so i could have more options.
Fallon, Xhesika, and I took a day trip to Newport, RI to visit Salve Regina University. Who wouldn't want to live in Newport? However, i could tell by the campus that i felt awkward. I'm sure i am judging the school overall, but every student i saw was super preppy, and i just assumed it was a private rich kid school. I don't mind kids like that, but i don't want to be in a school full of them. I like diversity. I didn't think i would find much there. I pictured every white girl to be judging me. It was a great place to visit, but it didn't seem like a "Haley school." I like old yet pretty brick buildings, pillars, porches, wide open super green grass, brick sidewalks, just a "home-like" feel. Overall, the day was great with Fallon and Xhesika. We packed a ton of food and had a picnic on the beach, and walked around town.
The next day, I visited Springfield College and we brought Fallon with us for the tour. It definitely fit me more than the other schools i visited recently. I wish they had a Social Work major for Bachelors, but i can always do 4 years of Psych and 2 extra years to attain my MSW.
I am still waiting to get my decision from Wheelock College this coming week. Then i'll be visiting Boston! As of now, i have no idea where I will end up.
It's sad that my mental illness has affected my college dream plans, but i can't be too hard on myself because of it. If Virginia is the place for me, it will still be there. For now i shall continue to get out with friends and family, blog more, keep myself safe, and work on my self-care.
I'm accepting that not everyone ends up at the school they have always wanted to, or intended on going to.
I should just be fortunate. Fortunate that i can go to college in the first place. Fortunate I'm not trapped at home another 2 years. Fortunate that i got accepted to every school i applied to after scaring myself for years thinking i would never get into college.
Things don't always work out as we want them to. I am just trusting that no matter where i end up, good things will come of it.
Stay tuned with me. I shall know by May 1st where i will be going this Fall. Will it be Springfield or Boston, Mass ?
( This was supposed to be "10" things, but when i realized how long this was getting i decided to cut it short. Maybe i'll do a "Part 2" some other time. )
1. What you allow is what will continue. This seems super obvious, but it depends how you look at it. Something as simple as this sentence has so much power. The power is yours! We all tend to let things slide, assuming that our opinion, our voice, our actions will not make a difference. Notice the more we wait for others to create the change, everything stays the same? I believe in this very strongly, and i also want to live by this. The good things we allow, keep everything at a steady and content pace. The bad things we allow, prove that they have power over us. It is something to think about.
2. When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't. -Louis C.K. Everyone has their limits. Even if you don't understand someone else's emotions, it is a learning experience for you to know what upsets them. Even if you don't understand how you could have hurt someone else, it doesn't mean you didn't. That is your responsibility to learn what you should do differently, or whether or not someone is a good fit for you. Along with this, you should never be hesitant to let someone know when they did hurt you. Which ALSO fits with "what you allow is what will continue." See?
3. You should always tell people how important they are to you. This is extremely important to me. This year i have branched out and made my appreciate for others known. This has always been difficult for me depending on the person. Sometimes I care for people so deeply, and i admire them as a person so deeply, that i am afraid they will not see me the same way. I am afraid i will put all of my feelings on the table and the person will be thinking "that's sweet, but....really?" Do you ever wonder if you love certain people more than you love yourself? This year i went out of my comfort zone. My Auntie Sara had told me that life is short, and you should tell people when they create a special influence on your life. It isn't easy for me, but it isn't about me. If there is one thing that every human being loves, it is to be appreciated. If someone makes your day, tell them. If someone inspires you to be a better person, tell them. If you miss someone, or fear losing someone, tell them!! I know with a lot of things, i think and feel so much on the inside that i expect people to "just know" how i feel. Not everyone "just knows", you have to show them.
4. People (any age) should write more. Okay okay, i know writing is not for everyone. Many of my own friends absolutely do not understand how i write the way i do. It's different for everyone, but i just think it is such an amazing outlet that more people should try. Whether it's writing a list, a food journal, or a daily reflection on your day, etc. My mind is quite complicated. A professional once said about me, "she literally questions every single thing in her mind." No exaggeration there. It is tiring. My thoughts are always racing and if i am speaking I am found stumbling over my words because my mind is already prepared for the next 3 sentences to come. For me, writing is my sanctuary. I can straighten everything out in my mind with writing. You don't need to have a crazy anxiety disorder like me to benefit from writing. We all get stressed, have a bad day, get anxious, feel angry, have mental blocks from our built up emotions. So what do i believe in? THAT MORE PEOPLE SHOULD TRY WRITING.
5. Mistakes and decisions are 2 different things. In fact, many "mistakes" are just very bad decisions. A mistake is when you aren't thinking, you have no idea what could go wrong, you later know that if you had done something differently or had known to do something differently it would prevent the mistake. It makes me frustrated when people who KNOW what they are doing, call a BAD DECISION a mistake. OR when they make the same "mistake" more than once. No. The mistake was that you repeatedly call your stupid decisions accidents. There is SUCH a difference, and unfortunately i call this something i believe, because i have dealt with people who disagree.
The most important thing i have learned while growing up is that you MUST surround yourself with people who ALWAYS make you feel good. Life is short, and there is no need to surround yourself with those who make you laugh some days, and cry the other days.
Don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect. There will be bumps and bruises. However, in the long run you should be able to look back and see the good far from the bad.
When i say this, I am referring to middle school. Oh, middle school. It is the time where you think you know who you are, but most of us are very very wrong. So therefore, you choose people who are also very very wrong for you.
I remember sitting at a lunch table in 5th and 6th grade, where the girls would always whisper. The small table would be split in half, and everyone would have their own gossip. I hated that. On top of that I noticed certain friends would be nice to me some days, and treat me like i was a disease the other days. It was confusing to me. I spent most of the time just questioning what i did to make them hate me so much. I was looking for reasons that didn't exist. It wasn't about me. I still CHOSE to surround myself with those people. I thought they were my "fit", i thought it was normal to be treated that way. Those were my friends, so what was I to do?
This all changed in 7th grade. I started the year at a different table with another friend group. I was more than done with the drama. At this new table, everyone would communicate with each other! There was laughing, and not whispering, and i didn't feel a bit sad leaving the other group. I was doing myself a favor AND teaching myself a lesson.
I am sharing this snippet from my middle school horror story because it has inspired me to be where i am today. Something like "choose people who make you feel good" seems so simple. So obvious. It should be, but despite our ages we still tend to choose people who are not good for us, no matter how much we love them.
It is funny how 2 of the laughing lunch table girls are my 2 best friends today. Everyone said, "oh no, you'll see..everyone grows apart when you get to high school." I figured out who was worth it, and who was not at a young enough age where those friends are still true to me. At the end of my senior year now, it is bittersweet to me to see friendships that have lasted this long. To see that i can go a while without seeing them, but once we do it is as if nothing changed.
On a day when my depression was severe, i had a friend surprise me and climb in bed with me. She motivated me to get up and take a shower while she made me cat shaped pasta downstairs. I was showered, eating, and smiling. Thank you, Fallon.
Another day after an anxious day at school filled with anxiety attacks, i drove to another friend's house. She knew I had a rough day, and she led me straight to her bed. She tucked me in like a little mother, and ordered chinese food for us while we painted. Thank you, Xhesika.
It is the little things that matter. Especially when you are struggling, it is clear to see who makes the efforts to cheer you up, who sends you the "how are you doing?" texts, who pushes you to leave your comfort zone and leave the house after you make excuses why you can't. And the most amazing part to me..
Who is still there when you are not yourself. When the true "you" seems to have been sucked out of you and replaced with this lack of energy. When all you want to do is curl up in bed, or watch tv. As boring as i can be, my true friends stay because they know the real me is in there somewhere. So they climb in bed with me, and play my favorite songs because they can not wait to see her again.
I am incredibly blessed.
Thank you, to all my friends.
Where shall I begin?
I think i should start with making sure we are on the same page.
In my "about" section I mention my struggle with mental illness.
So what exactly is it that i go through?
After taking Psychology this past year, i came to realize just how uneducated I was with mental illnesses. It really showed me how much power the idea of stigma had, and i wanted to change that.
To make sure WE have the power to end stigma, we first must educate ourselves instead of making assumptions.
Depression doesn't mean you are sad all of the time.
Anxiety doesn't mean you are crazy, or wimpy.
OCD is not just an obsession with keeping things organized or tidy.
Bipolar disorder doesn't mean you are a mean person, or that you are unstable.
Borderline personality disorder doesn't mean you are a manipulative narcissist.
And the list goes on...
It is incredibly hard to expect people to understand these disorders when they have never experienced them.
My 2 main struggles are anxiety and depression. So that is what i want to speak of first.
What makes an anxiety disorder different from typical anxiety?
Everyone experiences anxiety in their life. We all get nervous, feel a loss of control in a situation. It can be difficult to tell the difference between normal anxieties and anxiety disorders such as:
The most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with someone struggling with ANY issue: You may not understand, but you should show respect.
Here' s a look into the life of a living contradiction! Welcome Welcome! Just a college girl trying to create a peaceful life while managing irrational anxiousness. :-)